I'm a wreck, an emotional wreck. I walk past people and I wonder if they are going through the same thing we are going through. Thursday night Hannah had her holiday Christmas concert (I forgot my camera, another added stress), and instead of paying attention like I should have been, I was driving myself crazy with wondering and thinking who in this room who gonna lose their house soon? Who in this room has just lost their job? If I stop myself from thinking about it, I just start to focus on other things, like diapers and gas for the car.
I went off on the picture man today. Family member volunteered to pay for the kids to get their Christmas pictures taken. Nothing special just one picture and we would be good. I had a coupon for $4.99 package and told the man this. He proceeded with the pictures only after Ben pucked all over himself and I bribed Alanna to smile, which she never did by the way. As we were sitting down to choose the pictures, he told me the smallest package was $79.99. I told him I only wanted what the coupon had to offer and he smiled, chuckled at me as if I was silly and said that the coupon didn't apply to us because we chose a Christmas background.
I couldn't even blink the tears away fast enough before they started to pour down my cheek. I raised my voice a little to loud and started sounding off my opinions on him and his picture studio. I bundled the kids up and walked out without buying anything. Once I got to the car I realized I still have no Christmas pictures and called another studio. We now have another appointment at another studio who will honor another coupon I have for them.
I need to get control of myself, but its just so hard. I want to shout at everyone that my husband just got fired and now we have nothing. I want everyone to know how one minute my life was together and now I'm lucky if I can pull it together to get dressed. Because I seriously considered going to the picture place in a sweatshirt and pajama pants. Whats the point of putting clean clothes on anyway when in a little while we may not have any water to wash them in?
I'm ashamed to say that we were approved for food assistance as "they" call it. I know I shouldn't be, but we now fall in a category that I never wanted to be labeled in. Last week I went grocery shopping with my own money and this week, I had to rely on the state to buy my family food. I'm not happy.
Chris is trying. He is out everyday looking for a job, but then there is gas money to worry about and when places do give him an application, they aren't exactly hiring, they just feel sorry for him and tell him they will keep it on file. I have to try to remember that its only been 4 days, I guess I'm still hoping for that Christmas miracle to come before Christmas.
**I added some really cute pics to flickr...check it out**