April 29, 2010

This is a long, and personal post. (don't say you weren't warned)

OK lets gets real here for a minute.

Tonight Alanna had her first tball practice.  She has been talking about baseball since we signed her up.  She told everyone she knows or passes on the street that she is playing baseball.  She was so excited to go to practice.

When we got there we were early so the kid splayed on the playground. When the other kids arrived and the coaches too, Alanna went to the ball field.  Then it happened.  She froze.  She wouldn't let go of my hand, she wouldn't talk, smile, or move.  She just sat there.  As all the other kids ran from second base to first and from first to second, Alanna was that child that just stood there. 

She said these kids weren't her friends and she only talked to her school friends.  Then she started to cry.  We came off the field and I asked her if she wanted to go home.  She screamed louder and the answer was no.  By this time the kids are exploring the outfield and Alanna has missed 20 minutes of practice.

Now the coaches are teaching the kids how to catch with their mitts. Alanna just stands there. She won't even put on her mitt.  I feel frustrated and defeated.  I am embarrassed.  The coach keeps looking at me with this child attached to my leg and all I can say is she usually isn't like this. 

After I just couldn't stand there anymore I tell Alanna its time to go home or play ball.  She says play ball, yet she still stands there.  I pick her up and tell her its time to go home then..  The screaming starts again.  Now I look like the parent who is forcing and punishing their child for not playing sports.  I gather Chris and the other kids.

Then it starts again.  But not from Alanna.  I get it from my partner.  My other half, the one who is supposed to support me, but he isn't.  He is yelling at me.  The words coming from him are not the supporting words I needed to hear at that moment. 

This is your fault
You stole her independence from her
You baby the kids to much
You should have made her go on the field alone, or go home not stand there
You let them get away with everything
Why isn't she like the other kids?

The words keep getting meaner and meaner and now....

I can't stop the tears from escaping as I think about how horrible the ride home was.  Here were the kids sitting in the back of the van hearing these mean things coming from a man who should be supporting them. Instead he is yelling and saying things no 4 year old should have to hear about being shy, or being scared. 

Our children are unique individuals and not robots.  They have feelings and those feeling come on at different moments in their lives.  If Alanna was scared of the kids or the coach then we as parents should be there to support her in her decision to play or not to play. Just because the other kids had no problem leaving their parents on the bleachers does not mean Alanna has to be okay with it.  She is her own person.  She is my special little girl.  He wants the kids to act a certain way and its not them.  It seems he always wants the kids just sitting there and being quiet.

I am not the perfect human, nor am I even close to being a perfect mom.  I yell, lose my temper, scream, and sometimes I let my anger and pride get in the way of even being a nice person.  But I don't deserve to be yelled at because Alanna didn't feel right playing. 

I am so hurt inside.  I can't concentrate, I can't believe I am actually writing this to share with all of you.  The tears are poring down so hard I can barely see the computer screen.  I just need some help.

I don't want the sympathy comments telling me what a good mom I am or how Chris shouldn't be yelling. 

I am broken inside and I don't know how to fix it. Children depend on the people around them to mold them and to assist them in growing up a decent adult.  What if I am failing as a parent?  What if I actually am hurting them more than I am teaching them..

Hannah is out of control with her eye rolling and her smart mouth, Alanna is starting to act just like her.  I am so lost in my life, and I don't know how to crawl back to....to....I am so far down that I don't even know where to return to.

I lay in bed and tears form at the corners. e.v.e.r.y. n.i.g.h.t.

I lay in bed every night swearing to god that the next day will be better.  If I just change one thing about each bad day, then maybe we will have a good day.  But it doesn't work out that way.  Its never a good day.  It seems like the days are getting worse. 

I am scared. Scared that I am messing up and all these prayers for a good day are running out and one day I am going to wake up and its just going to be to late.  The kids will be grown and they will be more of a burden to society than a benefit.

I am raising these kids mostly alone, and every decision I make seems like the wrong one.  With Chris' work schedule He is either sleeping or working when the kids are here and if for chance he is awake, he is so tired he doesn't want to do much. 

I'm not trying to bash his role as a father, but there are so many issues we don't see eye to eye on.  Tonight I had to let Alanna sit and cry by the front door because she couldn't get her shoes off.  I had to let her do it herself because she had to be independent and take her own shoes off.  Its so hard seeing my baby cry and struggle.

Am I hurting her become an adult because I want to take her shoes off for her?

What does this say about my marriage?  How much longer can I let Alanna sit by the door and cry because her shoes won't kick off.  She eventually got them off...herself...but not without crying until her face was red and she was choking, and not until I was so angry with myself for letting her cry that way, that I was actually crying. 

I know there are so many things parents can beat themselves up for, and so many could've, would've, and should'ves.  But like I said above I feel broken inside.  I feel I have lost my path on being a good parent and I am just settleing for the "lets get through a day with no spankings and no eye rolls from my 9 year old."

I had a relationship with my mom like Hannah and I do.  She thinks I know nothing, I yell, she thinks she knows it all.  She is always right, everyone is against her.  When Hannah was born I swore we would not have the same relationship.  I swore it would be better.  I swore I would not fail, and look where we are.

I feel like I am giving so much of myself that there isn't much holding me together anymore.  [Tonight] for one small, brief moment, I actually wondered what would happen if I just left.  What if I just got off the couch, grabbed the keys and walked through the door?  What would happen? 

The tears have calmed down a little now.  And I still can't believe I wrote this raw post.  It shares some of the thoughts that I could never ask out loud.  It shares some of the feelings that I didn't even know I was feeling until it was typed out.  I don't feel better.  My heart aches for the things Alanna had to hear about herself tonight.  I just want to go into her room and wake her up and cuddle with her, telling her everything is going to be okay.

  I wish I could just make everything okay. 


  1. I'm really sorry Tasha. I'm sorry that you're feeling so low about everything. Things are tough, being a mother will always be hard. That guilt and feeling like a failure? Pretty much a mom-thing. And I don't think it ever goes away. And I think we're all going to do things wrong but I think the most important thing is just to do your best. And when the girls grow up and have a different perspective they'll be able to say 'things weren't perfect, but my mom did her best' I think that's all you can hope for, really :)

    And maybe things with your partner and the girls will be better if you talk about stuff with them. Let him know how you felt when he was angry. Let the girls know how much you love them and want to have a better relationship with them. Make sure everyone's on the same page.

    I know how rough it can be when it feels like you're a single parent and never see your husband. I feel like that all the time too. It's so lonely and sometimes it feels like I have no support and no one appreciates all the things that I do.

    I just hope things get better for you. I'm here if you need me, and I hope writing this post helped.

  2. That was a brave post...the real kind that are hard to type but that is your life and you cannot be alone in your feelings/situation. I AM going to tell you though that you are a good mom! :-) You put your kids first. They know you love them. You stopped working to stay home with them. I could go on and on.

    I hate that you are feeling low right now. I have struggled lately myself. I think, as women, we tend to take on too much of the household responsibilities and eventually just get overwhelmed.

    Maybe if you approach Chris when he isn't angry and talk to him about how this made you feel and maybe make a pact to discuss issues with the kids when they aren't around? I dont' know...I am not to the parenting thing yet. BUT, I do know you need a break. Talk to him. :)
    Love you!

  3. And I too am going to tell you what an amazing mom you are. And an amazing friend. You let me text you on and on tonight about my crap and never once mentioned this and now I'm reading it AFTER the fact. That low spot you are in sucks, been there for different reasons but not that different. I'm throwing you the ladder to climb up as slow as you need to. Love you girl:)

  4. Not every relationship has perfect communication. and i can sooo bet my life that kyle would be saying the same things to me, Men have a different point of view on what a child needs. they have no idea how much it hurts to watch them cry. or to not be able to help them when they cant take their shoes off. and the ability to yell at us and blame us for everything that goes wrong with the child. and you know how your brother is, i get the biggest guilt trip because i took a nap. because we have no groceries, even though he is fully capable of driving to the store himself. it's a typical thing the male brain jumps to - the person who's supposed to have everything under control (us ) we always get the crap when things go wrong. you are not alone.