Therapy

*This is a long one be prepared*

This is a really hard thing to write because its really personal. But getting it out will help me a lot. Last night I learned that I was a selfish person. Heres the story:

My mom brought over her old kitchen table for me because I have always hated the one that we have now. I told her I would need help putting the old one in the shed because Chris was sleeping and I couldn't do it by myself. She said deal. When her and my step dad came over I was right in the middle of feeding Alanna. They were also bringing over a computer desk for us. They brought in the desk and then the table. When I asked for help taking the table out the shed was frozen. She left it at that and said to deal with 2 tables. I got upset and told her this was typical fashion of her and that she was being rude. I went out to the shed and opened it in one light push. I pulled the kitchen table out ALL BY MYSELF. No help. It was heavy and awkward and it would have been nice if I had some help. While I was outside my phone rang. I did not run to get it because I had a table to take care of. After I struggled to get the table in myself I listen to the voice mail that was left. It was my mom. She said that I pissed my step dad off one to many times and he was done with me. No more seeing the girls, no more watching them if I need a sitter, no more help. That also means he was not helping me to print the wedding invites because they have a great printer, and he also wasn't going to be my videographer. You see my step dad is a whiz at editing and movie creating....He also got several videos for "how to make a wedding video" to help him learn more about it. Did I mention he has a REALLY expensive camera too. Like over a couple of thousand dollars...Its like a real "make a movie" camera. (my step dad is in college for all that production/animation stuff, so he needs it). Anyways after I heard the message I was so upset and hurt, but I didn't call my mom back because with me and her we would have fought and made the situation even worse. I let it go....Then later in the night when Chris woke up for work, I told him what happened. He said I deserved it and that I was selfish. That hurt even more....My mom was mad at me, my step dad was mad at me, and now Chris was agreeing with them. Of course that sprouted a loud debate and words were exchanged and I ended up crying...hard. It was midnight and I had no one to talk to because everyone would have been sleeping. I sat in my car and cried. Chris finally came out to talk. He made me realize that I was out of line talking to my mom and that I need to sometimes throw away my pride and admit that I was in the wrong. if you know me at all this is not a thing that I like to do, and I am NEVER wrong...if you get what I am saying....I finally calmed down and came back in the house. This morning I called my mom to apologize. It may have been a little to soon to call because when I did I got nothing but a lecture and more yelling. I tried to stay calm and not say anything that I would regret. I am famous for that. When I am in an argument and losing, I tend to say really mean things to hurt the other person as much as I am hurting...its a bad thing and I am working HARD on fixing that...anyways she told me basically that she was not going to accept my apology at the moment and that I should think about what I did. I didn't get to the story of Chris and I the night before because I figured what was the point...I was crushed and even more hurt. Now just a few minutes ago my mom called me, as I was writing this. She said to give it a few days for my step dad to calm down and she would talk to him. She didn't say it, but I think me calling her to apologize meant a lot..I don't do it with her very often. We have actually went months without talking because neither of us would cave in...my mom and I have a relationship like love/hate. We are so alike we fight and say mean things and then make up. One minute I love her the next she hates me. Sorry back to the story. She didn't say he would cave in, but she did say to let it calm down and she would talk to him. I told her I was fine if he didn't want to help me with the girls if I was in a bind for a sitter or help around the house....but what really hurt is that he could take away things that involved the most special day of my life. The wedding. Thats something that I could never get back. She understood and then asked my to see things through his eyes...I tried and I think maybe just a little, I do understand and now I feel even worse.

So that is my story..I hope if you don't know me, this story will not make you stop coming here, or talking to me. I have a really good side that I need to work on coming out more than my bad side.