September 2, 2010

Because I miss you still

The kids and I had just left the house.  We were heading to the tire repair shop, because the van had a flat tire.  But don't worry the tires you told me to put on the van had a 5 yr warranty, so everything was covered.  As I was saying, the kids and I just left the house.  Alanna had her stuffed iguana in her arms and asked where she got it.  I looked at her through the rear view mirror.  She was smiling with those crazy bangs hanging in her eyes.  I realized I hadn't answered her yet, because I heard her ask again..Mom, where i get this from?  My heart skipped a beat as I said your name.  I haven't said your name out loud in over a month.  It hurts so bad to say it, to even think it.  Tears welled up in my eyes instantly.  Ben tells me that grandma is in the trees, Alanna tells him that you aren't.  They go back and forth yes..no..yes..no.  I interrupt them, I tell Alanna that its ok for Ben to think grandma is in the trees.  I tell her that she can think of you where ever she would like too. 

I think about this conversation all.day.long, today.

There is so much I wish I could tell you, there is so much I wish I could show you.  I miss you so much it hurts everyday.  When I make a dinner I know you would love, or I try a new recipe, I wish you were there to say how much you love it, or how we could make it better the next time.  When I make a meal, that I know you like, I want to call you up and invite you over.  I went through your recipes the other day.  I found your stuff pepper recipe.  You always made me think I was the best cook, but you never told me you had the same recipe...

Some days I try to pretend that its just been a few days since I have talked to you, but then Ben or one of the girls will say or do something cute or funny that I know you would love to hear about, and it hurts so much that I can't call you and hear your voice just one more time.  I miss our talks and how you would make fun of Chris when he was crabby. 

You would be so happy for Hannah.  I tool her to her first concert a few weeks ago.  Justin Bieber.  She is so into him right now, you would have hugged her and asked her if she had fun, I can picture you putting your hands in the air above your head and trying to sing, it would have embarrassed her, but it would have made her giggle.

Alanna starts kindergarten Tuesday.  I know you would be so proud of her.  She had come along way this summer and has matured so much!  She met her teacher this week and got to ride on the big bus.  She is so excited that she gets to go Hannah's school now.  I can hear you encouraging her conversation with you and you would be smiling and hugging her so tight. 

And then there is Ben...oh sweet Ben.  You two had such a special relationship, sometimes it kills me inside to see him without you.  He is in a toddler bed now...I can hear you telling him what a big boy he is now.  You would be so surprised at how much he talks now.  We can actually have a conversation together.  You would get a kick out of it.  He misses you so much.  When we drive by your apartment building he screams for you and cries when I don't stop.  It hurts my heart so much that he doesn't understand why you aren't here anymore.  He loved you SO much.  You two had that "thing"  it was special. 

I realize now that I took you for granted while you were here.  I thought that you would always be here.  I figured if you beat it once then you would beat it again.  I guess you did beat it, in your own way, but that doesn't take my pain away...I miss you so much. 

There is this new show on Showtime, its called The Big C.  Its about a women who has stage 4 melanoma cancer.  She has a husband and a son and can't seem to fine the right time to tell them she is dying.  Its a comedy, but its sad too.  I think that you would have really liked this show.  I watch it for you, thats how much I think you would have liked it.  I get so angry at the lady though.  I just want her to tell her family so they can make the best of the time she has left, but she hasn't yet and its already episode 4.  I don't know if she ever will...

Hannah told me a few weeks ago that she has been dreaming of you.  You keep telling her to find the light.  While I think its great that she sees you, could you please stop scaring her...She crawls in my bed when it wakes her up :)

God, I miss you so much.  I feel so empty and alone sometimes.  We would talk 3 or 4 times a week and I would get to share everything thats been going on, and now I feel like I have no one to talk to.  When my phone rings I look at the number expecting it to be you and when its not, I feel dissapointed.  I know thats silly, but I would give anything to see your name on my phone 1 more time. 

You would have loved to hear my stories of our summer.  You would have loved to hear how we went to the beach to many times to count.  You would have loved to see the pictures of North Carolina and you would have told Hannah she was one lucky girl.  I would have told you about the playdates and the bbqs we went to, we probably would have had a picnic with you once or twice....running outside your apartments up and down the hills.  The kids always loved that. 

Well there really is no right way to end this, so I will tell you I love you over and over again, and how much you meant to me, and how I will never find another person as special as you are to me. 


  1. Tasha you write about such personal things it makes me cry for you...

  2. That was beautiful...love you!

  3. Lisa Beach9/04/2010

    I cried while I read this because everything you put in there is exactly how I've been feeling. For whatever reason, she's really been on my mind this week and I just can't shake it. I miss her so much too. We were incredibly blessed to have her in our lives. I wish everyday she was back with us. If you ever need to talk or share a story, just give me a call. love ya!!!

  4. My heart aches for you girl. So sorry:(