July 13, 2010

catching up, May 23-May31, part 2, I love you

This post is the post I have been struggling with all along.  This week in May is the reason I have been absent for so long.  I struggle with this post, because there are feelings I have that I just can't explain.

As you live, you will have people come into your life that truly touch your heart.

One of these people for me is my mother law, Jan.  She was so accepting of me and Hannah when Chris first brought us to meet her.  From day one, she loved Hannah like she was her own grandchild.  Over the years Jan and I became very close...especially after my mom moved to Florida.

Jan was a private person and didn't like for her business to be aired for the public.  I never wrote about my feelings, during this past Christmas, when the drs. decided to stop the cancer treatment and start treating Jan and having her feel comfortable.  I never wrote anything about her having hospice come visit her each week.  It was a rough time for me...never knowing if the next time I called her if she would answer.

I started making dinner once a week and taking it over to her so that the kids and I could spend time with her, and she didn't have to worry about cooking or cleaning.

 This particular week I decided to make smothered porkchops w/rice, corn bread and bring a cheese cake for dessert...Jan was making some mac and cheese and green beans..Its was going to be YUMMY! 

It May 17, and it was raining.  I got all the kids in the car along with all the hot food.  We drove to her apartment and realized I had forgotten the cheese cake.  We enjoyed the kids running around and the warm food on such a chilly day in May.  I promised Jan I would bring the cheesecake over the next day and we would have cheesecake for breakfast.  That made her smile and said it was a date.

May 18, 2010..(Hannah's birthday) I was up and almost walking out the door with Ben, when Jan called.  She said she felt bad for me coming all the way over just for cheesecake and that it was still raining...I told her it was no big deal and continued over.

Jan, Ben and I sat on the couch eating cheesecake for breakfast!  It was SOOOOO good.  When it was time to leave, I remember hugging her so tight and telling her that I loved her so much.  Ben didn't want to leave his grandma that day and kept running back to her for another hug and kiss.  We walked down the long hallway with Ben yelling "uv you" and blowing kisses until we turned the corner...

I never thought that would be the last time I saw her, but it was

Memorial weekend we were invited out to our friends house.  It was Sunday and we were at the beach.  We got a call from my SIL asking if we had talked to Jan.  Neither of us had so we called Chris' brother to check on her.  I remember thinking to myself, she is probably sleeping and everything will be ok...We had a picnic planned for the coming Tuesday and I would talk to her then.  I kept asking Chris if he had heard from his brother and he kept telling me that if there was a problem they would call him.

We had come back from the beach by now, and the kids were playing in the small swimming pool in the yard.  The adults were talking about getting dinner ready when I heard Chris' phone ring.  I tried to occupy myself with the kids, but I had one ear on my husbands voice.  I knew instantly that something was wrong and when he stood up and faced me, I started to cry.

We packed up the kids and drove the 2 hours home in silence except for our tears. 

The next week was very hard.  Trying to be brave for my husband and children was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  What I really wanted to do was lock myself in my bedroom and cry.

As the days go on, it just feels like I haven't talked to my best friend and I need to put that on my things to do list..It never fails I go through my phone for a number and I land on hers...not ready yo delete it yet I pass on by wishing I could just call and say hi...There is already so much I wish I could tell her.

She would have gotten a kick out of Alanna in Tball, she would have been so proud of Hannah for her good report card, she would be amazed that Bens birthday is so close...and that he is turning 2 already.

This post was much harder to write than I thought it would be.  I have had to stop several times because I could see the screen anymore.  Jan was so much more than just my mother in law, she was one of my best friends.  I would call her for advice, cooking recipes and just to say hello.  I miss her so much, and wish that she was here everyday.

Part 1 here
catching up, part 3..June..coming soon


  1. Love you and so sorry for your family's loss!

  2. I'm so so so SO sorry about your loss. I bet it was hard to write this post, as it's hard to live w/o her.
    I lost my grandma few years ago and still today I remember her, thinking about all the wonderful times we had together. May be you should remember her that way, and never stop telling your children how much she loved them, how much Jen was loved and all she meant for you, Chris. It's the best way to keep her alive in your <3 and for your kids. :)