I know I said I would do the 7 month post today, but I'm going to delay it another day. Today I want to try something new. I want to get personal.
I want to talk about how Hannah will be 8 on Sunday and she acts like she is 16 and queen of the house. I want everyone to know that I love my daughter unconditionally, but I don't always like her. I want to tell everyone that on days like we had today I want to crawl in a hole and cry. I don't know if I'm being over sensitive because I am pregnant, or tired, or just having a bad day, but today I need to some help.
She may be a typical 8 year old, or she may be the problem child 10 times worse than I was, that my mother wished upon me that one frightful night when I was 16 and we were fighting. What ever it may be, I'm in trouble. Hannah has your typical sassy mouth, that has a mind of its own and mumbles ever so softly about me, when she is mad at me. Her mouth just keeps talking even though she has been told to stop 5 minutes ago. She thinks because we ask her for help sometimes, she is able to scold her little sister and input her opinions on matters regarding not Hannah herself, but others in the house. Another amazing thing with Hannah is that her arms will somehow detach themselves from her body and slam doors, that Hannah swears she had nothing to do with. Astonishing, if you ask me.
Some days I think to myself how proud I am of her. She has the child innocence that adults lose as we grow older. She has the power to speak her mind and has the beginning signs of an independent woman. She is brave in new situations, where I am not and sometimes put my fear into her more than she needs, other days I wish I could call it quits on the whole mom business and not think about the task at hand.
Here comes the confession: This morning I slapped Hannah. That sentence took a lot. I'm afraid of what others might say or think. However this morning I had lost it. Hannah usually gets warnings, timeouts, sitting in her room, grounding, or things being taken away. She very rarely will get a spanking. (Yes we spank our children, for punishment not out of anger) This morning I was having none of that and I slapped her mouth. She was sassy and rude, and mean and cruel. She didn't care who she was hurting or what she was doing, she wanted me to know she was mad at me. And boy did she ever. Until I could take no more and I just....whacked. She sat there stunned for a minute. It actually felt like 10, but it was probably 5 seconds before she started crying. The tears built up in her eyes and once she released them I felt horrible. I wanted to grab her and hug her and tell her I was sorry. I was. But I didn't. I wanted to take the slap back, and I wanted her to stop crying, the guilt was building up and it was tearing me apart. But I wanted, and needed her to understand what she was doing was wrong. Do I think that hitting is the solution? No, but do I think she understood that it had to be done? Yes.
We talked afterwards, about her actions and mine. I did say I was sorry for hurting her, and not using another method of punishment, but I did say that I would not take it back. I explained how I felt and then she explained how she felt. I don't feel this solved the problems of our typical 8 year old behavior, but I do think we came to an understanding. I think she understands what she was doing was wrong..Will she act up again? Absolutely! I don't expect my children to be perfect, I am not.
Before I left for work, we hugged and kissed and I told her I loved her. That doesn't and will never change. She told me it was okay and she loved me too.
*I don't expect you all to agree with me, but I do expect you to respect me. No nasty comments or praise. I just needed to talk about what happened. It doesn't make it go away, and it doesn't make it right or wrong. Your opinion is YOUR opinion and nobody else's. This is my blog and I needed to say what I had to say. Thank you.