This post is really personal to me and I have struggled with myself if I was going to finally write about it or just try to cope with it myself. I decided to see what would happen if I opened up.
I have been having panic attacks or anxiety attacks, not sure the difference, not sure whats actually going on. At night when the kids are sleeping, and Chris is gone to work I lay in bed and think. It used to be thinking about the list of things that had to be done the next day or the list of thing I actually got done that day. Sometimes I would think about the events of the upcoming weekend or something special that was coming.
I don't think that way anymore. Something clicked in my mind and now all I think about is what its gonna be like when I die. When I can't hug the people I love anymore, when I can't think about the list of chores needing to be done the next day. I think about the nothing, the unexpected, the not knowing. I think about it all and I start to shake. I start to hyperventilate, I can't catch my breath, I start to cry and I can't focus. My chest hurts, my body hurts, my heart hurts.
I'm not sure what brought this thinking on. Its just been recently..maybe in the last 3-4 weeks. I never gave dying much thought before. It was something that came, you couldn't fight it, you can't hide from it. But now, when I sit it creeps up on me, and I can't fight the feeling. The scared feelings I get of the unknown. I don't know how to stop feeling this way, there really is no way to face the fear...
I don't really know what to expect from you, or if any of it will help. I'm hoping that maybe getting it out in the open it will help me feel better. Only time will tell.