This post is really personal to me and I have struggled with myself if I was going to finally write about it or just try to cope with it myself. I decided to see what would happen if I opened up.
I have been having panic attacks or anxiety attacks, not sure the difference, not sure whats actually going on. At night when the kids are sleeping, and Chris is gone to work I lay in bed and think. It used to be thinking about the list of things that had to be done the next day or the list of thing I actually got done that day. Sometimes I would think about the events of the upcoming weekend or something special that was coming.
I don't think that way anymore. Something clicked in my mind and now all I think about is what its gonna be like when I die. When I can't hug the people I love anymore, when I can't think about the list of chores needing to be done the next day. I think about the nothing, the unexpected, the not knowing. I think about it all and I start to shake. I start to hyperventilate, I can't catch my breath, I start to cry and I can't focus. My chest hurts, my body hurts, my heart hurts.
I'm not sure what brought this thinking on. Its just been recently..maybe in the last 3-4 weeks. I never gave dying much thought before. It was something that came, you couldn't fight it, you can't hide from it. But now, when I sit it creeps up on me, and I can't fight the feeling. The scared feelings I get of the unknown. I don't know how to stop feeling this way, there really is no way to face the fear...
I don't really know what to expect from you, or if any of it will help. I'm hoping that maybe getting it out in the open it will help me feel better. Only time will tell.
Tasha-
ReplyDeleteI have never had the same fear, but I've had anxiety attacks PLENTY enough to know that they blow. It's so hard to calm your mind when your thoughts race like that, especially when there's no adult to talk to when hubs is working. I have been able to calm myself by occupying my mind with TV, crocheting, something crafty (big surprise), journaling, and I have a whole host of ideas that might work. They don't always work, but they can sometimes. I went to couseling before too, and truthfully, it was AMAZING. I learned how to cope with fears that I had zero control of, because I think that's what most fears are. They are things that we worry about happening that are going to happen regardless of what we do. I could say so much about this but I'll save it for our phone conversation...we're way over due. Hugs to you tonight, I hope you can get some rest. I'll call you Thursday. Love ya girl.
Tasha, panic attacks are more common than you think. (I know this because I'm practically a doctor! LOL - I wish.) Seriously though, you should talk to your physician. The first part of your post (worrying about your to do list) sounds just like me a couple years ago. I felt so overwhelmed and then I felt like a failure because I couldn't keep up with everything. Talk to your doc, but research, research, research before starting any kind of antianxiety treatment. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteI agree with our other two buddies - you aren't alone in this. There was a really brutal crime here locally almost a month ago and I have had an irrational fear at night when it is time to go to sleep. I am sleeping with lights on and even worked myself up into a full blown panic one night. I had to take deep breaths and calm myself down. I knew I was being unreasonable but couldn't stop myself. This is my first experience with something like this so I don't have any great advice. It sounds like Lindsey may be able to help though! It may have something to do with being a new Mom again and this new appreciation you have for your family because you are getting to stay home with them. You are afraid to lose what you have because you cherish it so much. Hope your talk with Lindsey helps. Big hugs!!
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