I was a single mom with Hannah for 3 1/2 years before Chris and I got together. I had to learn to take both the mom and dad roles. I had to learn how to take control of mine and hers life and make all the decisions. The roles never changed much when Chris and I got together because I was never sure if things were gonna work out with us just dating.
Then I got pregnant with Alanna and and all of a sudden some of my parenting responsibilities were being shared with another person. It was a new concept and it was hard to adjust and still is at times.
When Chris asked me to marry him, I started on trying to let some control go because this man was going to be my husband now. Its a strange feeling releasing the control that you have had for 5 years and allowing someone else to share it with you. I don't know why I thought marriage wold be such an easy transition. Here's what I mean.
Chris and I meet in 2002 from friends, he was with another girl and so I never gave another thought of us being together. About a year later Chris and I met again and this time he was single and so was I. Over time Chris and I started to talk more between just us and didn't need our friends to be there. We started dating and a couple months later Chris moved in with Hannah and me. It was kinda fast, but we really cared for each other, and it felt right. I still had the control over the house because it was "my" house. Chris always said it never felt like his house because he just moved in. Chris and I have lived together since January 2004. We bought a new house together last August, and I thought marriage would be an easy thing to adjust to, but I'm soon finding out that it is not.
Its different. He is no longer mt boyfriend, he is my husband and I am his wife. With that title comes a whole new load of responsibility. I'm having a hard time adjusting to being married. Allowing him to make some decisions that will impact us as a family, and sometimes I am scared if I let him make a choice, it may be the wrong one and I will blame him, versus me making a bad choice and only having myself to blame. Did anyone else have this problem? Is there something wrong with our marriage? I love Chris, but I find it hard sometimes to agree with his decisions and wondering if I made a mistake in letting go of my control of the situation. Its only been 2 months since the wedding, are we going to make to 20 years? Longer?
I think you are just an independent woman - I mean you managed on your own WITH a child for years by yourself! It is hard to give up control when you are used to being the decision maker. I have the same problem b/c I've been on my own for awhile now. I worry about the same stuff when I remarry...I think your feelings are normal and you should acknowledge them and talk to Chris about them so he knows what you are feeling/thinking. It is so hard for those of us who haven't leaned on others to let someone take care of things...I don't know if I'm helping! ha! My opinion is to talk to Chris and just try to be open to letting go a little ~ might take some of the stress off of you! :-)
ReplyDeleteTry not to worry! Hugs!
I think Lori is right. I'm a control freak too and even though I'm not married nor have kids, when Kenny moved into MY apartment, I had very little control to give up. When we moved into OUR house, it was both our's and I was no longer in complete control of everything. I think it's normal whenever there is change to feel that way. No one wants to feel like they lose control, but if Chris makes a mistake and the decision he made wasn't the best one, you'll have to trust that he did it because he thought he was making the best decision for you and the girls, and forgive and move on. I think that's the hardest part. Just hang in there Tasha. I wish I could tell you how marriage goes, but I can't, and even those who have been married don't have all the answers. I'm guessing it's like a trial and error....you try something a little out of your comfort zone (like sharing the control) and then when you are comfortable with it and you see things are okay, you continue moving in the same direction. I know that's how I would have to get through it....you will find the answer, whether it's from a blogger friend, a family member, yourself, or a combination of both. You WILL figure it out! (((HUGS))) Can't wait to have lunch soon!!
ReplyDeleteI say talk it over with Chris, let him know how you're feeling. Marriages are hard work.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others. Make sure you TALK about it. You have to keep the lines of communication open. Tell him how you are feeling and why you are feeling that way. Then, agree to always discuss major issues with each other before either of you make a decision. Again, communication and honesty. That's the key, I think. Oh, and be patient with yourself (and each other!) This is a big adjustment for both of you. It will take time to adjust, but soon your new marriage will "fit" like an old pair of jeans! LOL Good luck.
ReplyDeleteWhat an honest description of what it's like adjusting to being married! I know I struggled with the same sort of issues when my husband and I were newlyweds so I can't imagine how much more complicated having kids makes it. But it won't always be so hard. Don't get discouraged.
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